I said 'baby I'm on the edge,' she said 'why you gotta act so strange?' -Childish Gambino

NoThing

My mind is upside down, in your wake, no poetry to heal wounds, for there is no strike to take, in silence; where nothing is said, fearing that my thoughts are misguided. No eye contact when near, no confidence to grasp. Your voice carries in the air, with, sweet sounding, heart-stealing bravado, & I, am here, warped by insecurity, saying… Nada.

None of us have to ‘go’ to anyone, & the idea we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can’t keep GOING to each other until we learn to GO to ourselves; stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else’s job & just stop hating ourselves

-Jeff from Community.... I really love this show.

Feeling really depressed and I do not know why. Go away triggered feelings. Just gonna watch Community and try to think about nothing.

Today I woke up not feeling very well & I was losing my voice, which SUCKED but alas, I realized that I sounded like Batman which was well, pretty awesome I think... The problem was that I started to "get my voice back" & I put that in quotations because really I started to sound like a frog... agh; now I sound alright, but my throat hurts... I'm just going to make some lunch, drink some tea, cuddle up with a blanket & watch Community (:

Remembering my love for Childish Gambino.

Embedded in the lines, a spirit remains, hidden & undefined. Oh refined one, you are more.

Thoughts of a Self-harmer

It would be so nice to be alright for more than just a day or two... I mean, I go long periods without harming but in the same breath, sometimes it's more so out of one or two things: 1) I am too apathetic and/or 2) I don't want it to be too noticeable... In some ways, I feel decent or just too busy to focus on the bad things in my mind but for the bulk of my days, I feel held back... I limit myself because I don't feel comfortable, I try to hide my face, I look away yet on the other side, I can put on this facade of confidence in which I make eye contact, I speak my mind, and I act so freely that what's going on underneath isn't so noticeable.. which is great... or is it? Sometimes I just want someone to notice, & yet I don't want anybody to know... My own mom has never even noticed (or shown that she has noticed) how down I get, how uncomfortable I can be, etc.... I mean, she has expressed that she sees me as this confident, together person despite the fact that I don't particularly fit into any societal ideals (of beauty, for context) & it's true, I don't. However, I am not so together, mother..... I just feel so odd when I go home.. I have noticed that I feel more stabilized when I am away at school because, the distraction and passion-feeding is just beautiful.... I understand my role as an example for others who may be able to identify with my troubles and maybe need some positive energy; I don't want to be negative... it'd just be really awkward for someone, especially someone that relates to me, know how I feel about myself because when I tell them that I think they are beautiful (which would be beyond true; I see the beauty in everyone and ugly is not ever a word I will ever use to describe a person's appearance because I don't believe in "ugliness"), how are they to believe me? I want people to know that the way I feel about myself says nothing at all about how I see them; my self-negativity will not touch the positivity I see in others and if I ever feel myself getting pessimistic, I do my best to keep it to myself.... & I understand that my troubles are mostly of the intangible variety, meaning that while they exist with clout, they are all that visible, mostly to my own doing but that is based in my fear(s) of 1) not being enough 2) being vulnerable & 3) being seen as dramatic; having my feelings invalidated by lack of evidence/reasoning.... I have trouble validating my feelings & yes, I do often feel guilty about these feelings, not in that way that's done by comparison; you know, "well at least I'm better off than..." &/or "well I don't have it as bad as.." I don't prescribe to the doctrine which appeals to this notion that it is okay to evaluate self-emotions as measured against the experiences of others; rather. I mean that I feel guilty that I am taking up space in my own mind to think negatively about myself when I could, instead, be doing something productive; you see, it feeds into this vicious cycle of self-hate. I'm really just rambling... I need the ventilation though; it's two-folded: it serves as distraction and it allows me to actualize my emotions, therefore giving myself permission to accept the validity in my feelings since I am able to express & structure them. I'm not sure anybody out there is actually reading this but if you are, I want you to know that you are beautiful.. If you cannot or do not believe that, I understand, I really do, I just want you to know that someone, somewhere, as abstract as they may be, thinks so... you have potential, power, beauty, and so much more... Doing my best to send good vibes into the universe. -Tianna

Hypothetical Love Poem

I want to love you down 
I want to love you up 
I want to compose symphonies to the rhythm of your breathing. 
Eyes like charcoal, etching images into my skin with your gaze. I am, taken over into and through this binding of hearts that is bound to stabilize, contenting this disposable disposition. I won’t call you “the one,” because that’s all relative but I will call you “this one” and this one, is one for the books.

Love my new shirt! (: Mad love to Sufi.

Peoples is Power (poem)

Inspiration is driving, derived from shared insights inside shared spaces kept secret. Burning words from spit-fire mouths combat the Cool in me; eyes widened see the I in the id of me, and what comes to be, is structure before unknown. Building blocks build framed thought with substance leaking, reaching, then speaking life into wisdom. Social conditioning is undone, eradicated in the flames. Your words toiled with the soil in my mind, planting seeds of unconditioned knowledge & I thank you for that. Your love is my water and in the downpour, I learn to unlearn.

Wow, it's been a while.. honestly, I completely forgot I had this blog (you can blame tumblr for that!)... well, I'll try to update this more often now that I actually recall this site... oy.