I admit it, i think very little of myself....
9/10 times when i look in the mirror i think 'ugh i'm big' or 'man i'm ugly' .... damn that hurts to even type... and sounds absolutely over dramatic
.................
i can't even begin to explain how over active my mind is....
.................
in some moments, i'll be content or actually think i'm pretty[or whatever] but it ALWAYS comes down to me realizing that i'm just not attractive...
Not many times have been called beautiful... or pretty... at least not many times in person.... and in those times, they seem out of obligation... like a friend or family member....i often wish that i was born into a different body... more in resemblance to my sister or something.... how sweet it would be to have such beauty but it makes me wonder, would i still be the same on the inside? and if i was, would it be reasonable for me to even HAVE the beliefs and opinions i do? *sigh*
i can't keep thinking so little of myself... but i just can't help it...
i doubt myself, ALL the time.... i never feel pretty enough, smart enough or good enough....
i don't like people to look at me too long.. if anything i prefer them to look at my eyes as opposed to the rest of me... but then i can't look at someone in the eyes too long because i feel too vulnerable=/
i don't like taking pictures... i HATE shopping for clothes.... and on the small chance that i might get complimented, i feel slightly good... but then i feel really down because i can't believe the compliment to be true... kind? yes... but also, on SOME level, insulting.....
i wish so much to be accepting of my own self but on some twisted level, i like the hurt an pain i cause myself... it's what i'm accustomed to.. i hate me but i love me... i want to be different but couldn't even fathom it.....and yet i fancy thoughts of a different life....
See, i set myself up to fail..... i wish, feel and yearn for something more but know it's unattainable and if, by the grace of God, it DOES become attainable, i run from it..... i shut myself off from it.... cause even though i want it, i also want to hurt myself....
i spend too many hours on apathy.... and yet too many days on empathy....
i'm just an insecure mess....
i only hope to find guidance....
i'm rambling, i know.... this may very well be irrelevant to you, i know... this may have grammatical and conventional errors... i know.... i'm just venting....
i can't keep holding this in... i can't keep feeling like this.....
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Apathy
Apathy
Damn this apathy,
I feel it coming over me,
Taking away everything I feel,
Leaving only emptiness to be known and real.
Love just a fantasy,
Happiness; a sense of false reality.
Insincere emotions make up the sum of my domain,
But sadness and depression roam and remain,
In the unheard silences of any given sound,
Surfacing when a distraction can’t be found.
All is left to wither at the sight of passion fading,
Light coexists with the darkness somewhere, creating some sort of shading,
Hiding anything I could grasp a hold of to learn, sow, love and cherish,
Watch the memories burn, as they slowly start to perish.
You’ll find me in the remnants of a broken mind,
Solitary confinement; the worst of its kind.
Fire burns like ice, my thoughts a constant flame, sharp and precise,
Freezing my heart, so numb I can’t feel it beating,
Sitting so still, no longer, do I think, I’m breathing?
Lost in the intertwinements of a dream and what seems to be a silent scream;
A nightmare known as reality,
Which is ironic, because life is far from silent.
But see, the peaceful beauties of simplicity drown out the pain and the violence.
Nothingness, I fight against it, and yet, hide behind it.
Damn this apathy,
I feel it coming over me,
Taking away everything I feel,
Leaving only emptiness to be known and real.
Love just a fantasy,
Happiness; a sense of false reality.
Insincere emotions make up the sum of my domain,
But sadness and depression roam and remain,
In the unheard silences of any given sound,
Surfacing when a distraction can’t be found.
All is left to wither at the sight of passion fading,
Light coexists with the darkness somewhere, creating some sort of shading,
Hiding anything I could grasp a hold of to learn, sow, love and cherish,
Watch the memories burn, as they slowly start to perish.
You’ll find me in the remnants of a broken mind,
Solitary confinement; the worst of its kind.
Fire burns like ice, my thoughts a constant flame, sharp and precise,
Freezing my heart, so numb I can’t feel it beating,
Sitting so still, no longer, do I think, I’m breathing?
Lost in the intertwinements of a dream and what seems to be a silent scream;
A nightmare known as reality,
Which is ironic, because life is far from silent.
But see, the peaceful beauties of simplicity drown out the pain and the violence.
Nothingness, I fight against it, and yet, hide behind it.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Pieces [Poem]
Pieces....
I come in piece, many pieces to be exact,....
It’s not the fact, it’s the tact;....
Yea, I’m broken… but I tried,....
And thanks to you, I died a little more inside.....
You burnt my heart, leaving nothing but ashes,....
But life bears from the tears, whipping against the ash in wistful lashes.....
In my soul, you left scratches, deep enough to puncture my sense of love,....
You spent too much time wandering my mind, this is getting tough, my dear,....
My greatest wish is now my biggest fear.....
I need you but surely you will be the cause of my demise.....
I find solace in the light behind your eyes,....
But I find doubt in the sadness lingering in the sides,....
Is this real? Or is it just a guise?....
In a hypothetical sense, I hold you close,....
Close enough to feel everything and yet nothing, I suppose,....
Its hysteria, see I laugh but I want to cry into your shoulder,....
I wish for child like ignorance but with time we must get older,....
So I accept, but I wish to remain in this place,....
Made to be ugly and yet beautiful, every strand of pretty in your face,....
The world surrounding us, ugly beyond comprehension,....
Time hangs like a string, in mid suspension, between hell and heaven,....
The best and worst of both meet in the center, and a whirlwind of colors surround,....
But I didn’t notice anyways, lost in your eyes, they speak with such tremendous sound,....
My senses grow weary, catering only to you, in this false sense of reality we fade away,....
And yet we fade into another place.....
Within the seconds I held you, I knew what forever felt like, within the confines of my mind,....
Splendors and wisdoms surpassing my age and time, is what I find,....
Somewhere in your nonexistence I found something real,....
Something I can lean on, an outlet to feel,....
But it’s locked, sugar coated with poison and lead,....
Only to be opened when you leave the thoughts behind in your head,....
And journey to the beliefs of your heart, ....
And you will end where you find a place to start.....
I can’t tell you all of what I’m feeling right now,....
For it’s too deep and dense to write down,....
I will push you away and I pray,....
That by the hand of God you’ll want to stay,....
I need you close but can’t fathom the thought of you touching me,....
My idea of perfection is somewhere in the midst of your breathing.....
The idea of you being away, tears my soul apart, leaving me in 2.....
To be honest, every sign leads back to you,....
I can’t help but be entertained by the thought of your smile,....
Tell me you’ll stay, at least for a little while?....
I come in piece, many pieces to be exact,....
It’s not the fact, it’s the tact;....
Yea, I’m broken… but I tried,....
And thanks to you, I died a little more inside.....
You burnt my heart, leaving nothing but ashes,....
But life bears from the tears, whipping against the ash in wistful lashes.....
In my soul, you left scratches, deep enough to puncture my sense of love,....
You spent too much time wandering my mind, this is getting tough, my dear,....
My greatest wish is now my biggest fear.....
I need you but surely you will be the cause of my demise.....
I find solace in the light behind your eyes,....
But I find doubt in the sadness lingering in the sides,....
Is this real? Or is it just a guise?....
In a hypothetical sense, I hold you close,....
Close enough to feel everything and yet nothing, I suppose,....
Its hysteria, see I laugh but I want to cry into your shoulder,....
I wish for child like ignorance but with time we must get older,....
So I accept, but I wish to remain in this place,....
Made to be ugly and yet beautiful, every strand of pretty in your face,....
The world surrounding us, ugly beyond comprehension,....
Time hangs like a string, in mid suspension, between hell and heaven,....
The best and worst of both meet in the center, and a whirlwind of colors surround,....
But I didn’t notice anyways, lost in your eyes, they speak with such tremendous sound,....
My senses grow weary, catering only to you, in this false sense of reality we fade away,....
And yet we fade into another place.....
Within the seconds I held you, I knew what forever felt like, within the confines of my mind,....
Splendors and wisdoms surpassing my age and time, is what I find,....
Somewhere in your nonexistence I found something real,....
Something I can lean on, an outlet to feel,....
But it’s locked, sugar coated with poison and lead,....
Only to be opened when you leave the thoughts behind in your head,....
And journey to the beliefs of your heart, ....
And you will end where you find a place to start.....
I can’t tell you all of what I’m feeling right now,....
For it’s too deep and dense to write down,....
I will push you away and I pray,....
That by the hand of God you’ll want to stay,....
I need you close but can’t fathom the thought of you touching me,....
My idea of perfection is somewhere in the midst of your breathing.....
The idea of you being away, tears my soul apart, leaving me in 2.....
To be honest, every sign leads back to you,....
I can’t help but be entertained by the thought of your smile,....
Tell me you’ll stay, at least for a little while?....
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