I admit it, i think very little of myself....
9/10 times when i look in the mirror i think 'ugh i'm big' or 'man i'm ugly' .... damn that hurts to even type... and sounds absolutely over dramatic
.................
i can't even begin to explain how over active my mind is....
.................
in some moments, i'll be content or actually think i'm pretty[or whatever] but it ALWAYS comes down to me realizing that i'm just not attractive...
Not many times have been called beautiful... or pretty... at least not many times in person.... and in those times, they seem out of obligation... like a friend or family member....i often wish that i was born into a different body... more in resemblance to my sister or something.... how sweet it would be to have such beauty but it makes me wonder, would i still be the same on the inside? and if i was, would it be reasonable for me to even HAVE the beliefs and opinions i do? *sigh*
i can't keep thinking so little of myself... but i just can't help it...
i doubt myself, ALL the time.... i never feel pretty enough, smart enough or good enough....
i don't like people to look at me too long.. if anything i prefer them to look at my eyes as opposed to the rest of me... but then i can't look at someone in the eyes too long because i feel too vulnerable=/
i don't like taking pictures... i HATE shopping for clothes.... and on the small chance that i might get complimented, i feel slightly good... but then i feel really down because i can't believe the compliment to be true... kind? yes... but also, on SOME level, insulting.....
i wish so much to be accepting of my own self but on some twisted level, i like the hurt an pain i cause myself... it's what i'm accustomed to.. i hate me but i love me... i want to be different but couldn't even fathom it.....and yet i fancy thoughts of a different life....
See, i set myself up to fail..... i wish, feel and yearn for something more but know it's unattainable and if, by the grace of God, it DOES become attainable, i run from it..... i shut myself off from it.... cause even though i want it, i also want to hurt myself....
i spend too many hours on apathy.... and yet too many days on empathy....
i'm just an insecure mess....
i only hope to find guidance....
i'm rambling, i know.... this may very well be irrelevant to you, i know... this may have grammatical and conventional errors... i know.... i'm just venting....
i can't keep holding this in... i can't keep feeling like this.....
1 comment:
This is not irrelevant at all! I feel this way on a pretty constant basis. I have gotten better with a lot of introspection, and also pushing myself to get out of my own way, if that makes sense. Doing things that I have feared, like sharing my poetry online, or doing karaoke in front of friends and strangers, have been a big boost to my confidence. Still I know that my insecurities lead to emotional overeating, which leads to weight gain, which leads to even more insecurity. I know that I have the right to want to look a certain way that that I won't be totally comfortable in my own skin until I achieve that, but at the same time I know that I really am good enough just as I am. I'd never have imagined that you would have these same thoughts and feelings, because all I see when I look at you is youth and beauty! But I completely understand where you are coming from. I think even the most beautiful women in the world must feel this way sometimes. Let it out, write it out, talk it out. It's normal.
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